This page is marked as obsolete![Metal Tsubasa]: 95.Fairy Tales Entry | Rating: 0.00 |
2006-01-24 SleepingDragon: Very tragic tale. Well written. I saw one typo in the whole thing
Nice
2006-01-24 Metal Tsubasa: Thank you very much... I still don't think I ended it well. Where is the typo? *looks around*
2006-01-24 SleepingDragon: 2nd paragraph..."s
2006-01-24 SleepingDragon: btw, maybe this would be a good one to start that wiki with, being as it's rather short and there's some things you think could use improving.
2006-01-24 Metal Tsubasa: Hmm... I suppose so.
2006-01-29 SleepingDragon: Suggestion for A better way:
The focus starts out on the fairies. What if you kept some of the focus on them throughout the story? i.e. give them some dialog as they watch the Knight approach the lake. Maybe have them pondering whether there is nothing they can do to help etc.
2006-03-12 dmeredith: I saw another little error I THINK. 'Oncoming' is one word... Typo quibbling aside it's very well written and indeed tragic... The only places that I though were just a tad rough were very very minor and it may just be personal preference. There are a couple of word choices that I question.
1.(P1)I think that ...hinted something was to come... needs another adjective. I.e. ... hinted that something _______ was to come. i.e tragic, sinister, unusual, equally dreary, etc.
2. (P2) I don't care for ...be fine to die... the rest of the paragraph is so poetic and then this rather casual terminology detracts from that. Maybe instead something like ...then he could be at peace... or ...then the bitter sting of his imminent death would not feel so cruel... etc.
3. (P4) same as above ...His skin was burning off... is a little pedestrian when compared with the tone of the rest of the piece. Again something like ...His skin began to blister and char... The water licked his battered flesh like flames... etc,
That's about it really, just picky stuff, but as good as the rest of your writing is you really ought to be using those 50 point Scrabble words more often! =' )
2006-03-12 Metal Tsubasa: Well thank you, it does make a lot of sence and now that I look back I realize those things *lol* Thank you, I'll find something.